Avatar: The Last of the Unobtanium

I went and saw Avatar in Imax 3D this weekend to see what the hype was about because I'm interested in fascinating special effects.

And I was not disappointed! There were many fascinating special effects (and also some petals drifted toward the screen in 3D).

So, I present: Avatar in 2D (and 5 minutes)

Jake: *wakes up* Where's my legs... Oh yeah. Bummer.

Scientists: Hello! You've been asleep for 5 years. Please do not get out of your straightjackets and mess up any of our precious equip- oh god, there's our $5 million grant down the tubes.

Tough Soldier: WELCOME TO PANDORA. EVERYTHING WILL EAT YOU. IN THE MILITARY, YELLING IS THE ONLY FORM OF COMMUNICATION.

Troops: *YELL*

Grace: I am a scientist! Except I've been working on these Avatars, which you haven't heard of for some reason. You haven't heard of the language either, or the customs. You are going to be such a help.

Jake: My twin brother died... I am here to take his place.

Grace: Yeah, still not helpful.

Norm: Omg! Avatars! So cool! I speak the language! As long as you're not better than me at making friends with the natives, we'll be bffs for life!

Jake: Weehee! Legs!

Scientists: Get back here!

Jake: No!

Norm: Get back here!

Jake: No!

Grace: You learn quickly, young grasshopper.

Jake: No! I mean, thanks.

Grace: Let's go out on a mission and bring Jake, even though he serves no purpose that a human soldier couldn't serve.

Jake: *pokes things*

Things: WE WILL EAT YOU!

Grace, Norm, Jake: AHHHH! *runs*

Grace & Norm: Thank Eywha we made it back to the ship. Jake...?

Jake: Oh crap, wrong way.

Later that night...

Jake: Raaaa! Back, dire wolves! You are no match for my pretty fire!

Neytiri: Stupid human. You shall DIE! Crap, these fireflies seem to disagree.

Jake: Why did you save me?

Neytiri: Quiet fool, I hate you. Now go die somewhere else.

Jake: *follows*

Jake: Maybe if I keep talking, you'll change your mind. Hey, look, lots of fireflies.

Neytiri: Goddammit. Stupid tree. C'mon, let's go see the Chieftan.

At Grandmother Willow the Hometree

Mo'at: You're a warrior? Warriors are pretty rad. Neytiri, you shall teach him our ways.

Neytiri: Dun wanna!

Mo'at: Bitch, plz.

Neytiri: *raptor snarl*

The Next Three Months

Parker: My stockholders are unhappy when we don't get money. Find a way to get the savages to let us destroy their land, or they all die! Snake Eyes here will do the dirty work.

Colonel Miles: Arrr, I'll get ye yer leg back if ye do my bidding.

Jake: Weehee, legs! But these savages are actually pretty sweet. I get to have hairsex with horses and everything.

Neytiri: You are one of us.

Clan: *celebrates*

Under the Spirit Tree

Neytiri: You may now choose your woman.

Jake: I want only you!

Neytiri: I knew you were going to say that.

*sexors* (probably involving hair)

Next Morning

Backhoes: Mornin'!

Neytiri: Nooooooooooooooo!

Jake: *asleep*

Neytiri: Wake up wtf backhoes are about to run over you!

Jake: *wakes up* Oh crap! I will kill these backhoes power by smashing their camera with a rock! GO SAVAGES!

Colonel Miles: ... I knew it. *disconnects Jake from Avatar*

Jake: What the hell man?! I was totally persuading them!

Colonel Miles: *plays video of Jake saying he cannot persuade them*

Jake: ... Oh, right, that.

Parker: Whatevs, one hour and then their tree is firewood.

At the Hometree

Jake & Grace: Soooo, sorry about betraying you and all, but we've known for three months that the humans were going to saw down your big tree. Hope you don't mind being homeless for awhile, but them's the breaks for the people who don't evolve enough to make guns.

Neytiri: I TRUSTED YOUUUUUUUUU!

Jake: I fell in love with you!

Neytiri: *raptor snarl*

Parker: Hour's up!

Hometree: *dies*

In Prison

Jake: This sucks. When do we get fed?

Trudy: It's okay guys, I'm breaking you out! I'm a pilot for the military, but I've suddenly decided that I hate violence. I'd rather cause violence to my own people!

Grace: I got shot, but it's only a flesh wound. Or not.

Jake: I've got to do something. I know, I'll tame the convenient plot point that was mentioned a little earlier in the movie! I have a theory... that proves immediately to be completely correct. Toruk, you are mine!

Toruk: *caw*

Jake: People! Look at my badass Toruk! Now do you trust me?

Neytiri: Yes.

The People: *attempt to save Grace*

The People: *fail*

Grace: Their God is real... *dies*

Mo'at: Y'know, we could put any human soul into an Avatar. Just saying.

Jake: Another convenient plot point I must remember for later! Thank you for dying for a purpose Grace.

During the Next... Week?

Jake: If we band together, we can defeat the white man! Join me, tribes! It worked for the Iroquois Confederacy! Er... But this is a movie!

Tribes: HOO-RAH! We like killing the white man, but it is okay because we are savages! And also unobtanium is a stupid name.

The War

Jake: Thank god 2,000 tribespeople can win against 200,000 well-equipped human soldiers when Mother Pandora is on your side! Pandora, by the way, is another name for Earth. Trufax!

Neytiri: Although your human body is very sexy, it's about three feet too short. Let's put you into an avatar and tie up these ends nicely.

Jake: Weehee, legs!

Jake's Twin Brother: It's awesome how I was never mentioned again.

The End.

Hope you enjoyed!